Because if I said Ding dong the witch is dead:
1. I would be a liar and
2. that’s not very nice nor very PC.
But regardless she’s GONE, Retired, out of the office For Good!
As of last Thursday the witch is Gone and my office shall be a nicer place to be from here on in. I shall have NO fond memories of how she was mean and nasty to all who she came into contact with, I shall not miss her hypocritical bullshit of wearing a HUGE wooden cross around her neck and cursing like a sailor and calling everyone she spoke to on the phone a F*ing A$$hole after she hung up and of course everyone was a complete moron because she knew everything. I will not miss her snide comments or how she would smile at you and say hi honey and then turn around and tell someone how much she hated you.. all while within earshot.
No, I will not miss the witch.
I will not miss her talking about the fungus on her hands or the way she wore latex gloves with the fingers cut off. I will no longer be worried about grabbing a utensil out of the box in the kitchen worrying if she touched it with her nasty, nasty hands. I won't arm myself with the can of Witch Be Gone (formerly a can of fresh scented Lysol) to attack my telephone and keyboard before I start working. There will be no more grease marks on the file folders from her Vaseline covered hands.
The office is no longer an infected petri dish of her germs.
I’m glad the old battleaxe finally retired so I don’t have to hear the 30 phone calls to her house while she baby talked into her answering machine leaving messages to HER DOG and the 50 calls a day from the daughter she lived with or how she would ask her daughter who had just called if she could talk to the dog.
Nope, I won’t miss it ONE FREAKING BIT.
Ding dong the witch is gone.
And for the first time in 5½ years my office is actually a nice place to be.