Thursday, November 3, 2011

One of those days..

You know when you’re having one of those days, where everything in your world seems to be honky-dorey and then all of a sudden all the balls that you’ve got up in the air drop?



Welcome to my life today... or at least for the past 30 minutes or so.

I knew today was my dad’s birthday...

in heaven.

Daddy would have been 61 today.

It wasn’t until I put that down into words that it really hit me that he’ll be gone 20 years this coming February.

And it hit me HARD.

Like I’m about to have a nervous breakdown at my desk, hard.

Deep breath, sip of cold water.

Text with a good friend.. Let it out without freaking out....

Nope, pain’s still there.. Like my heart is breaking all over again.

The loss of a parent never goes away.  You can push it back, way back, the pain eases, but never goes away.

When it wants to be remembered, it will be remembered.

When it wants to hurt, Dammit does it hurt.

The day/year I knew I had spent more than half my life without my dad.. It was weird.  It was hard to deal with.. It’s still hard to deal with.

Isn’t this supposed to ever get better?

In my opinion it depends on the relationship you had with your parents.
For me, it’s never going to ever get better.. It will come up and bite me on the ass and I have to just cry.  Just let it out and be thankful for the years I did have with my parents and grieve for the years of my life I’ve spent and will spend without them.

The memory remains.. the pain never truly goes away.

It's a hard fact to come to terms with and honestly, I may never truly come to terms with it.

Right now I can’t wait to just go home.. Run the shower and have a breakdown.


Unknown said...

So sorry Ash... so sorry...

Ashley said...

It's ok.. can't change it.

Fuck cancer. Fuck it and help to try to find a cure.. that's the best I can do.. so nobody else has to go through it.

MommaKiss said...

The grief can hit ya so hard at times. Thinking about you girl. Fuck cancer is right.

Anonymous said...
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Anonymous said...

Ashley, my mom's father died of cancer also. It's been 30 years now, and she still breaks down and cries hard for the loss. I don't think it's something anyone can ever truly "get over" or move on know how they say that time heals all wounds? Well, I totally think they're full of shit. Time doesn't heal it, it just makes it a little easier to put one foot in front of the other. Anyway, sending you good thoughts and a big old cyber hug (gosh that sounded dorky!).

P.S. Thanks for sharing the chocolate pudding recipe with me on Twitter just now!